How I Got Out From Under A Sexual Abuser
I screwed Steve on our first date, nine years ago, because I was drunk. When he called the next morning, it was sweet, so we went out again. We both liked rough sex. He drove like a maniac and cussed loudly at other drivers. Steve's mother would call, and the conversation frequently turned into a screaming match because, Steve explained, his mother was difficult. Steve was eager to hear about my life, but rarely discussed his own. All the while, he'd say I was beautiful and sexy, buy me extravagant gifts, call me "just to hear my voice," and follow textbook tips on how to be romantic. That any of these were red flags never occurred to me, because to me "abused woman" meant low-income, unintelligent housewife type, certainly not a talented, intelligent professional woman like me.
If you are a woman, you are at risk; it's the attitude you must take to protect your personal safety.
After a year, when we were cohabitating, Steve began criticizing me. He'd belittle everything I did, said, didn't do, or didn't say. Once, when I asked him to buy me a pair of panties he'd like to see me wearing, he bought size-11 "granny-panties," as a joke. If I wanted to see friends or family, he'd badmouth them and refuse to let me go alone, or he'd come and act obnoxious so they wouldn't want him around anymore. Steve insisted on transporting me to and from work, but he wouldn't show up after work for hours. I explained it away with stress from his job, and, besides, he was always apologetic after upsetting me.
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Soon, Steve's father died. When he began to yell at me for insignificant reasons, I figured it was part of his grief. I was supporting us, working over 60 hours per week. At home, exhausted, I was called a fat, lazy bitch when too tired to cook or clean. Even when I would, Steve complained that it was inedible or it was filthy. Steve would buy designer suits, but would yell at me if I wanted anything new. This climate hardly motivated sexual desire toward Steve anymore, but refusing only increased his resolve to mount me anyway. On nights before an important work presentation, Steve picked fights and yelled at me for hours, ensuring I didn't get proper sleep or preparation time. I promised my dad during a phone call that I'd look up the "Cycle of Abuse" on the Internet. I finally realized Steve had a problem, and so would I, if I didn't leave quickly.
Steve was going to Florida, my window for escape. Steve intercepted an e-mail from a relative about my leaving and became violent, physically restraining me and tearing the phone from the wall. I ran from the house barefoot and called police on a pay phone. I escaped that night because the police kept Steve away while I packed the car, and drove to my mom's. (Steve, meanwhile, was up the street, emptying my bank account.)
It Heals But Never Leaves
By the time I left my four-year relationship with Steve, I was isolated from my friends and family, I was isolated from transportation and money, and depression was a way of life. My advancement at work was impaired by his behavior, and my self-esteem no longer existed. Financially, Steve ruined me; delinquent bills and credit cards were all in my name, and one credit card he ran up still isn't paid off, nine years later. My credit was shattered and is only now getting back on track.
Just because I left and got a protective order did not automatically mean Steve left me alone. It required four years of consecutive protective orders, documenting, and calling police every single time the orders were broken, meticulous record-keeping, follow-up, and detailed knowledge of the laws and my rights. The process was exhausting, but I will never be abused again, and I have valuable information to share about this issue. Five years after I left Steve, he mostly leaves me alone now, but only because he's found another victim.
Sometimes I have nightmares. I shred mail, over-examine financial statements, look over my shoulder. The memories have never left me, and it took a special, dedicated man to overcome my defensiveness and brokenness. I'm now in a happy, healthy relationship, but one with boundaries. I will never give away my control again, not even to a husband I love dearly.
Statistically Speaking...
The National Center for Victims of Violent Crime (NCVC) estimates over 15 million crimes of abuse went unreported in 2000. That's two crimes per person for every resident of New York City, or enough victims to fill Dodgers Stadium almost 287 times. In 2001, there was an 8.3% drop in the number of rape cases in the U.S., but 39% percent of rapes were reported; 91% of those rape victims were women.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) and the Community Abuse Prevention Services Agency (CAPSA) offer information on the Cycle of Abuse and simple assessments on their web sites to help identify things about your partner that may make him violent. Had I known earlier about this information, I would have seen several warning signs in my relationship with Steve.
If You Are Aware of Someone Being Abused
You may know someone who's being abused. Intervening directly could put you, or your friend, at greater risk. The only way the abuse will stop is if the victim self-identifies to authorities. Be there for her when she needs to talk, and keep her involved in your friendship. Only when she talks about her abusive relationship, share what you know; talk about something fascinating called the Cycle of Abuse you were reading about, or give her an emergency number for your local women's resource center.
If your friend thinks you're way off base, she may become insulted and isolate herself. She may still be apologizing or making excuses for her abuser's behavior. She may be ashamed you have noticed her problem. However, later, even if she's angry with you now, she will eventually be grateful you tried to help her. Your conscience will be clear because you spoke up. If she's receptive, your information could save her life - that's more important than her short-term anger. Regardless of her response, never stop reminding your friend how much you care about her and want to remain a part of her life.
Resources
Several national resources offer local information to sufferers of sexual abuse and domestic violence. I was helped greatly by the NCVC (nationally), a variety of local agencies referred by NCVC, and Working to Halt Online Abuse (on-line). I have given interviews to national media to promote awareness of domestic violence and identity theft; my story is anonymously included in Jayne Hitchcock's book, Net Crimes and Misdemeanors. Survivors can do much for others by bringing more attention to this issue, letting people know it's possible to survive and that victims are not alone.
A Survivor's Advice
If you are a woman, you are at risk; it's the attitude you must take to protect your personal safety. Here are several steps that might have saved my grief:
Take a basic self-defense class, so you'll know how to physically protect yourself.
Read up on the Cycle of Abuse.
Be aware of red flags in potentially dangerous relationships.
Familiarize yourself with state domestic violence laws; don't depend on lawyers or policemen to know the latest laws.
Keep police on speed dial of home and cellular phones.
Find out where to turn if you ever need help.
Guard information like your social security number and mother's maiden name closely. If the information is compromised, flag your social security number with major credit bureaus.
Pay close attention to financial statements and report any unauthorized account activity immediately.
Have a secret savings account with $500 in it, even if you're happily married, in case you ever need it; give a copy of the account information to your most trusted female relative.
For about $29, run a background check on anyone you're considering having a serious relationship with. It sounds paranoid, but it could save your life.
Carry pepper spray; stay in well-lit public areas; start your car and drive away immediately instead of lingering in your parked car to balance your checkbook or write your grocery list. Document and organize everything relating to your abuse, as you will need it in the future.
Do not hesitate to call police or to press charges the very first time you're assaulted; seek medical treatment immediately; leave the relationship and refuse to accept ANY apology for physical abuse.
Sometimes in real life, passion takes over and women forget it's a bad idea to have sex with someone they don't know well. Pay attention to his personality before his dick.
Information I compiled for this article, plus information and resources I personally took advantage of, are located at the following web sites: www.ncvc.org, www.ncadv.org, www.leavingabuse.com, www.capsa.org, and www.haltabuse.org.